Well, thank goodness we have President Obama on the case. He will get to the bottom of it and finally put a stop to all this murder, madness and mayhem.
"And there also at this stage is no direct evidence that he was part of a larger plot," a dazed Mr. Obama said haltingly as he - once again - downplayed this crazy notion that America and Western Civilization is under relentless attack from barbaric animals slaughtering humans in the name of Islam.
No "direct evidence" that Islamic jihadi Omar Mateen's rampage in Orlando was "part of a larger plot?"
Are you Shiite-ing me???
In that sense, the commander in chief went on, "it appears to be similar to what we saw in San Bernardino - but we don't know yet."
Oh, phew! For a moment there I thought we were in serious trouble. I thought the savage execution of 50 revelers in Orlando might be part of a larger plot.
I mean, if that were the case and this were part of a "larger plot," then it might kind of be the president's fault that this stuff keeps happening over and over again. It might mean all these killings of innocent civilians from Boston to San Bernardino are, say, a national security issue. Maybe?
Part of a "larger plot" might also raise some seriously awkward questions about who exactly is doing the killing and whom exactly they are targeting and - oh, I don't know - what exactly their motivations are.
"We don't yet know the motivations," Mr. Obama informed reporters gathered in the Oval Office.
Seriously? The guy is still stumped on this one?
What's even more amazing is that the assembled reporters didn't explode into laughter when the president said this. Or, maybe one of them could speak up and offer to pull the president aside to explain the motivation here.
The biggest reason, of course, Mr. Obama remains the only person left on the planet who doesn't know Omar Mateen's motivations and refuses to accept the existence of a "larger plot" against America and civilization is that if he were to accept these plainly obvious truths, then he would actually have to do something about it.
And that would be so hard.
The single worst thing he and his fellow Democrats could be forced to do today would be to take a very serious look at their insane immigration policy where anyone - literally even if you are just out of the Rio Grande, dripping wet - is welcomed with open arms.
And if you come from a country that is known as a hotbed of violent jihad, well that's just fine, too. And then there are the Syrian refugees - Hat Tip: Obama foreign policy - where thousands are streaming in from and even government officials admit they are not able to perform complete background checks to see if they have ties to terrorist organization.
This is why Mr. Obama really doesn't want to see the "larger plot" or acknowledge how obvious the "motivations" are. He would rather use events like this to score partisan political points and make nonsensical complaints about gun ownership in America.
"We are also going to have to think about the risks we are willing to take by being so lax in how we make very powerful firearms available to the people in this country," Mr. Obama said. "And this is something that obviously I've talked about for a very long time."
Um, okay. How about this, Mr. President: You go ahead and disarm every last terrorist now lurking in this country, plotting their next jihadi massacre and then we can talk about that.
But until you do that and start taking your job seriously, we are going to keep buying guns and stockpiling tons of ammunition so we can protect ourselves, our families and neighbors in this red hot war on America and civilization.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org; follow him on Twitter via @charleshurt.